It’s impossible for me to understand other people. I mean, really understand people. How does everyone go about their daily lives, doing the things we humans do, without being interrupted by constant thoughts of everything and nothing.
I have so many unanswered questions, and I cannot fathom why everyone else doesn’t seem to be bothered by such things.
Judeo-Christian religions in particular, are baffling to me. I get it on an emotional level. I understand the desire. But I cannot possibly grasp the logic. The idea that the creator of the universe cares about anything or anyone – it’s upsetting, really.
I often find myself thinking, “What’s the point? No, but seriously, what is the point?” What is all this? This stuff – in which we’re all stewing. These materials, and atoms and quarks, and fields, these waves or quanta or whatever the hell the wisdom of the age has labeled all this shit – what is it, really? Why is it? Why is it not, instead, not anything at all? Why is there something rather than nothing? Is nothing really nothing? Can there be no things? Or is thingness the natural state of things? What’s natural anyway?
All these kinds of thoughts are on replay in my head, all the time. And that’s a best-case scenario. At worst, I have this deeply bitter, vitriolic voice inside my head saying, “What a bunch of dipshits.” on repeat.
These are the things I feel and think without effort. If I try, I can connect with the moment. For a time, I can flush the shit show in my mind. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and feel what there is to be felt. I hear what is here, right now. And if the moment is just right, I feel it. I feel the context of the universe. I feel the way in which I am not an I, alone. I am an extension. A tendril of the universe. An awareness that is aware of itself.
And then the world rushes back in like the parted sea, whole once more. And I am a broken Roman floating in the wake.
